Folie A Deux
by Les Amis
Summary: The people you care about the most are often the very people who drag you into the grips of insanity. Genra and rating are subject to change.
1. Chapter 1

**Folie A Deux***

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Santa Clause or the Santa Clause 2. I choose to ignore the existence of the Santa Clause 3. I do not own the 40 Year Old Virgin, either.

**Chapter 1**

**Au Bout de Son Latin***

Bernard sighed as he made his way through the long corridors of the Claus family's private quarters within the workshop. He really had no idea of how it became his responsibility to make sure Santa's eldest offspring actually got up at some point during the morning whenever she came to visit. For some reason, however, the obnoxious girl had determined that she was his best friend. Sadly, it was a statement that he could no longer rationally argue. As he walked closer, Bernard's ears were assaulted by a series of loud noises coming from the direction of the girl-in-question's quarters. Bernard hurried his steps, fearing that something may have happened to the girl; or, more likely, he thought to himself, the girl was responsible for some chaotic mess or another. Reaching her doorway, Bernard rolled his eyes at the sight which greeted him. Rachel, the previously nameless girl of 22, was "dancing," if one could call it that, around her once perfectly organized room to what Bernard could hardly describe as music while wearing an oversized T-shirt proclaiming her love for Guns-N-Roses and a pair of inappropriately short dance shorts.

"AHEM!," Bernard said in an attempt to garner Rachel's attention. His attempt proved unsuccessful, however, when the blur of light auburn hair, pale skin, and un-festively black clothes flew across the room and proceeded to bounce atop the bed, out of time with the beat of the "music". Growing tired of witnessing such exuberance at such an ungodly hour as 9 o'clock in the morning, for, you see, Bernard was most assuredly not a morning person; Bernard found the power cord to the blaring stereo system and promptly yanked it out of its socket. The blur of colors came to an abrupt halt in motion as the recently re-formed image of Rachel slowed to a near halt before promptly she tripped over a pillow and dropped off the side of the bed, becoming awkwardly wedged between the mattress and the wall. Bernard sighed once again as he was forced to crawl onto the bed towards the tuft of red hair and (rainbow)-stripped-(toe)-sock-clad feet that appeared just over the top of the bright peacock-blue covers. Leaning over and looping his arms about her torso, with the manner of ease that only comes from years of repeated motion, he roughly jerked the girl out of the "V"-shaped position that had entrapped her prone figure. One-third-carrying-and-two-thirds-dragging his friend off the bed and in the vague direction of the closet, Bernard demanded that she, "put on something that actually qualifies as clothing" and stomped out the door, slamming the door behind him, just in case his annoyance had not been entirely obvious.

After thirty minutes of waiting for Rachel to emerge fully dressed, Bernard charged into the room to find Rachel sprawled across the floor, legs now clad with black lounge pants but arms and shoulders now visible due to the addition of a tank top. Arguing ensued for another half hour; during which time Bernard's arguments ranged from the rational suggestion that the North Pole was much too cold for such attire to the poorly thought out threat of removing the offending article of clothing himself. Rachel ignored all appeals to logic and told Bernard that if he were that desperate to see a pair of tits she would buy him a playboy subscription. Naturally, Bernard chose to respond to this suggestion by insinuating that even though he was relatively unfamiliar with the female form, due in large part to being constantly surrounded by elves who rarely grew past the physical age of 10, he still wouldn't resort to staring at her! To which Rachel responded with a combination of hysterical laughter and accusations of his being "the 2,000 year old virgin". Bernard sputtered indignantly and stomped out of the room, all the while muttering about obnoxious girls and their inability to give him any peace.

*folie a deux is a French term that describes the simultaneous occurrence of symptoms of a mental disorder (delusions, for example) in two persons who are closely related.

*au bout de son latin is a phrase meaning "at the end of one's (mental) resources".


	2. Chapter 2

**Folie A Deux**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Santa Clause series.

**Chapter 2**

**Je Be Veux Pas Etre Seulement Des Ami***

Rachel's existence had always been something of a shock to any and all parties involved: it had shocked Scott Calvin and Julia Sanderson to realize that their two month during their senior year of college had resulted in a pregnancy, it had shocked Laura to discover that her fiancé had a love-child from said college, and it had shocked Bernard to first learn of her existence after nearly a full year of working with the new Santa in close proximity. One day, Santa had informed the head elf that he wanted to let his daughter in on the family secret and that her mother had given him permission to have the girl for the holiday. No explanation was given to explain why she had not been mentioned prior to this time. When Bernard had first met the 15 year old, she was wide-eyed and painfully shy. In fact, past the basic introductions, she had not spoken to him the entire trip. Rather, Judy and Abby had served as her only confidants. Despite their small stature, the two elves were quite mothering by nature and had felt an instantaneous attraction to the "sweet child".

Her self-esteem seemed to have improved drastically, however, by the following year. Santa had been unable to make the trip to fetch her due to an emergency meeting by the Council of Legendary Figures and had sent Bernard, with his apologies, in his place. When Bernard arrived at her home, however, the silent and shy child had transformed into an outgoing and rebellious teenager. He had been unable to do much more than gawk at the girl-turning-woman who was staring back at him with one eyebrow cocked, silently asking, "what do you want?" Realizing that she did not recognize him he quickly re-introduced himself and explained the reason for his presence. She had responded by rolling her eyes muttering a "you're early," and dragging the reluctant elf inside. Apparently, she had taken on the responsibilities of something akin to a teacher's assistant for the local dance instructor and had one final class meeting to hold before sending the kids off for their holiday break for no more than 10 minutes later he was once again being drug around. One fifteen mile drive and six near-death experiences later, Bernard found himself serving as an impromptu means of example; apparently, the presence of a male, despite the fact that said male had no training whatsoever in classical ballet, was the perfect opportunity to give the young hopefuls a brief lesson on a pass de deux. After nearly an hour of failure and discomfort, the class was dismissed and he was finally able to transport her to the North Pole.

The following day Bernard entered his office to find Rachel sitting in one of the guest chairs and loudly popping a piece of gum. "Is something wrong?" questioned the confused elf. She had responded by telling him that Judy and Abby were "stifling" her and that, instead, she was going to hide out with him. Bernard, having been victim to the two young elves' mothering ways, found no fault in the request and conceded to the request under the condition that she not get in the way and that she help out if it were necessary. That first day had gone well. Rachel had proved to be a quick learner and quite helpful. He welcomed her back warmly over the course of the next few weeks. As time progressed, Bernard began to feel more comfortable with her presence and would carry on conversations, occasionally joke, and frequently lunch with the girl. When the time came for her to return home Bernard was reluctant to lose his assistant. Unfortunately, Santa had taken notice of this fact and arranged had arranged for the number two elf, a bumbling mishap named Curtis, to work more closely with the head elf. By the time the summer break had begun for Rachel, Bernard had planted the idea of having her return for a more extended visit into Santa's head. Things started back where they had left off, that is, until Curtis felt that his position was being threatened. Curtis took the matter to Santa and Bernard and Rachel were informed that their current work relationship could not continue. It was about this time that Bernard began to notice something unusual. He was growing. Bernard was already one of the tallest elves at the Pole, he had maintained his stature of 5'2" for several hundred years. However, at his yearly checkup at the workshop's clinic the nurse's measurement recorded him to have gained a whopping two inches. The doctor, having been immediately informed of this anomaly, took Bernard to the side and questioned him about any changes in his regular activity. The only recent addition to his schedule was an increase in activity due to his after-work ventures with his new friend. The doctor sheepishly handed Bernard a dusty-looking book and told him to read chapter 5. Bernard, however, was a very busy elf and did not get around to reading until much later, long after Rachel had returned to school. When he continued to grow, in the appearance of age in addition to height, Bernard finally opened the dusty book to Chapter 5. As he began reading the chapter title, "Elf-human relationships" Bernard blanched. As he continued reading, his fears were confirmed; the only known instances in which adult elves began to take on the appearance of a human adult's age were in "cases of inter-species mates".

* "I don't want to just be friends"


	3. Chapter 3

**Folie A Deux**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Santa Clause series.

**Chapter 3**

**La Belle Dame Sans Merci***

"Mating" was a very archaic term, even in the elf community; they were not penguins, after all. However, there was hardly any other word that Bernard could think of to describe his situation. Subconsciously, or perhaps biologically, Bernard had chosen Rachel and, as evidenced by the changes in his physical appearance, there was not much chance of going back. Realizing this fact, while simultaneously realizing that at the age of 17 it would not be unheard of for young human men to begin their courting rituals towards her, Bernard used a vacation day, much to his own chagrin, to teleport down to Illinois to see her.

Bernard licked his lips nervously as he watched his mate-to-be twirl and spin across the floor of the dance studio. He had heard from Santa, who had heard from Charlie (over the last few years Charlie and Rachel's relationship had become rather close), that Rachel was putting in extra practice time due to the possible attendance of college and troupe recruiters at this year's recital. Therefore, Bernard had headed straight for the studio. Now watching her performance Bernard applauded loudly as Rachel completed a fouetté en tournant before transitioning into a pas de cheval. Rachel, however, was caught by surprise and, her concentration broken, mis-steped before tumbling to the floor. Bernard was at her side in an instant, sputtering an odd combination of apologies and compliments. Rachel, however, brushed off his concern with a laugh and stood. "What are you doing here?," she asked with a grin. "Oh," Bernard lied, "Santa asked me to check up on you; he seemed concerned that you might overwork yourself." Still grinning, Rachel excused herself to change out of her skirted leotard, tights, and en pointe shoes before quickly returning. Bernard, at a loss of what to say or do with a young girl that he had every intention of courting, awkwardly suggested that they go get "some cocoa . . . or coffee". Rachel's response in the affirmative seemed entusiastic enough so Bernard decided that it "making his move," as he had heard Charlie refer to it, would be a good idea.

As the two sat down with their hot beverage of choice, cocoa for Bernard and a vanilla latte for Rachel, Bernard eased into a comfotable conversation with Rachel. He told her about the latest mishaps at the workshop and how Curtis made every moment a living hell. He was wrapping up a story about how Curtis had recently walked into the ballroom unprepared and had, subsequently, suffered a number of minor injuries due to an assault by a very large rogue bouncy ball when he decided to address the real reason for his sudden appearence. He looked at Rachel, who was smiling and laughing and her eyes shining with obvious mirth, took a deep breath and began, "You know, Rachel," he said and, after receiving her customary head-tilt, he continued,"you've become a rather invaluable asset to me the last few times you have come to the Pole and . . . and I think you should know that I really like you." Rachel's smile grew as she responded, "I'm so glad you feel that way, Bernard! I've felt the same way for quite some time." Bernard, pleased with her answer, leaned back in his chair and relaxed his stiff posture. They spent the rest of the day walking around the town and talking amiably. Soon it began to grow late and Bernard prepared to leave for the Pole, making sure Rachel got home saftly first, of course. "Well," Rachel began awkwardly, " I guess I'll see you when I get out for Christmas Break?" Bernard grinned and nodded enthusiastically before leaning into her infinitesimally. Before who could lean in further to press a chaste kiss onto her lips, however, Rachel threw her arms about his neck and exclaimed, "I'm so glad we've decided to be best friends! All my female friends seem really fake and I can't talk to Justin the same way I can talk to you." Bernard, feeling absolutly foolish for not clarifying his intentions attempted to change the subject by asking, "Who is Justin?" "Oh!," Rachel cried, "I can't believe I didn't even mention him! Justin is my boyfriend." Bernard, feeling shocked, dissappointed, and jealous, quickly said his goodbyes, pressing a kiss to her temple for good measure, and headed back to the Pole.

* "The beautiful woman without mercy"


	4. Chapter 4

**Folie A Deux**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Santa Clause series. Please excuse any and all grammatical and/or (especially) spelling mistakes in past, present, and future chapters. I do attempt to proof read each chapter prior to uploading it but I often overlook a number of problems and do not notice them until after I have uploaded the document. I know they are annoying and, believe me, I find them quite embarrassing ("comfotable" and "saftly," WTF?). Nonetheless, taking the chapter down and reloading it until it reaches perfection is tedious work and I simply refuse to do it. This chapter is rated a strong T due to intense flirting and suggestiveness.

**Chapter 4**

**J'Veux Ton Amour Et Je Veux Ta Revanche***

To say that Rachel's return during her break was awkward would be an understatement. Technically, she had not done anything wrong nor did she even realize that anything _was_ wrong. She believed that their relationship had only increased from casual acquaintances to best friends and Bernard was not about to disillusion her when doing so would only drive her further away from him. Nonetheless, Bernard could ignore neither his growing attraction nor his resentment. Thus began the first of many years that lead to their current situation; they were, and continue to be, stuck somewhere between best friends, almost lovers, and enemies. Over the years, Rachel had been accepted to the Carnegie Mellon dance program on a scholarship and had subsequently moved from Illinois to Pittsburgh. Her relationship with Justin had not survived the move, but a fellow-student named Zachary, who was enrolled in the university's acting program, had taken his place long before Bernard, who had swiftly noted his frequent placement on the naughty list as a child, had even gotten wind of the break-up. Rachel was now in her senior year at the institute.

And that brought him to today. Bernard knew that Rachel's comments about his lack of sexual prowess were meant just as teasingly and untruthfully as his own comments about not being attracted to her. They still stung. Nonetheless, Bernard had decided years ago that he would rather suffer her callousness than risk cutting her out of his life completely. Therefore, when Rachel pounced atop his desk at lunchtime, bearing a peace offering in the form something other than cookies to eat and wearing a cardigan over the offending tank top from earlier, he forwent the tongue-lashing he had been reciting in his head all morning in favor of merely grinning back at her like the love-struck fool he was. And when she resorted to rather sordid insinuations to make Curtis leave, by leaving her seat on the edge of his desk in favor of her finding a new spot on his lap while making a show of kissing and nibbling along his neck and jaw line and simultaneously telling Curtis to "scram unless you plan on paying to watch the show," he could do nothing more than close his eyes, grip the arms of his chair, and choke out, "Curtis. Leave. NOW." With his eyes closed all his other senses were amplified; Bernard heard Curtis' hurried footsteps and the slamming of the door and he felt puffs of Rachel's laughter against his neck. After a few silent moments she pulled back to grab their lunch off the desk. Bernard, unwilling to break the intimate contact just yet, pulled her back against him, wrapping his arms around her in a hug and leaning his head against hers. "I'm going to pay for that later," Bernard sighed, "the entire workshop will be abuzz over our affair before you leave this room and by evening Santa will be calling us both to his office after hearing that I've impregnated his only daughter." He was rewarded with another near-silent laugh from Rachel who responded, "Pregnant? Me? No, the worst it will come to is he'll hear that Curtis walked in after lunch to find that you had me bent over your desk and were finally releasing years of frustration caused by putting up with my smart-ass comments". Bernard blushed and remained silent. She paused before continuing, "I'm sorry about this morning. I was completely out of line." Bernard responded with a friendly squeeze before dropping his arms. "So was I. Besides, given the chance I would gladly stare at your 'tits'!" he joked, complete with air quotes, before playfully pulling at the neckline of her top, "stop squirming" he quipped," I can't see anything!" Rachel pushed at his shoulders, exclaiming, "stop making fun of the way I talk and maybe I'd _let_ you see them!" Bernard responded by widening his eyes in what was supposed to be an innocent expression, but the effect was ruined by the smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. At this point the semi-shocked Rachel fell into a fit of giggles. Bernard loved these moments, few and far between though they were. He and Rachel were alone and he could almost imagine that they were already together. Few people had seen Bernard's playful side; the stress of his job often left him feeling too drained to do anything more than bark out orders even in front of his most trusted friends. Occasionally, however, Rachel would surprise him with a visit during a break and leave him feeling rejuvenated. Bernard grinned, shifted his hold on the girl-who-was-nearing-hysterics, and leaned forward to grab their lunch off his desk. Munching contentedly on the simple, but thankfully non-sweet for a change, meal Bernard was startled, and confused, when Rachel stopped laughing abruptly and asked, "is that even possible?" Swallowing his sandwich cautiously, Bernard asked, "is what possible?" Rachel fumbled with a gold tassel that was embellishing his tunic for a minute, presumably trying to find the words to express her question before finally asking, "could a human and an elf produce a child together?" Bernard froze for a moment before looking down to search her eyes, however, Rachel's gaze refused to meet his own. Drawing a breath he answered clinically, "yes, the difference between human and elf DNA is miniscule so the two could, and have in the past, rare though it is, produce children. In such cases a piece of the elf's magic latches onto the human so that their life expectancy is approximately the same. The offspring would have the same life span as any other elf. Why do you ask?" "Oh, you know," Rachel responded nonchalantly, "I've always wanted kids with naturally sparkly cheeks and eternal youth." Bernard shook his head and tossed an arm across her shoulders. He could not help but wonder how different the last few years could have been had she known that such a relationship was within the realm of possibility. They finished the rest of their lunch in silence. Once they finished eating Rachel stood up asking, "will you come see me after work? It gets terribly boring up here without you around." Bernard responded in the affirmative. He was not prepared, however, for the unexpected, overlooked technicality that would consume much of his time and energy during the upcoming weeks.

* "I want your love and I want your revenge"


	5. Chapter 5

**Folie A Deux**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Santa Clause series

**On va chez toi ou chez moi? Partie Un* **

**Chapter 5**

Bernard stared in wonder at the passage from the rule book that Curtis had shoved under his nose upon his immediate return from his lunch break. Initially, Bernard had figured Curtis had discovered some rule against the Head Elf fraternizing with Santa's daughter, but, upon quickly scanning the page, had realized their grievous error. The Santa before Scott's arrival at the North Pole had taken on the role early into the Victorian era. What this meant is that the elves had never been faced with a divorced or unmarried Santa. Thus, the elves had always _had_ a Mrs. Claus on hand. How was Bernard to know, therefore, that unless Santa was married before the tenth year of accepting the clause he would be forcibly stripped of his title and the North Pole would be left without a new Santa to take the post? Nonetheless, Bernard found himself presented with written proof of such a rule merely a month before Scott's time was up.

Normally, when faced with a problem of this magnitude, Bernard would have started by screaming at Curtis for not noticing this rule _nine years ago_ before running off to the workshop, snapping at every elf he came in contact with on the way, on a frantic search for Santa. However, his doctor had recently warned him against the dangers of high blood pressure. So, instead, Bernard took a few deep breaths, counted to ten-four times-, told Curtis to "inform Santa immediately," and left the office. Remembering his earlier promise, he headed towards Rachel's room.

Bernard sighed when upon opening the door, following a brief knock, he found the room empty. Hearing the sound of running water, however, he assumed she was in the bath and would be out momentarily. In the meantime, Bernard found himself examining the room in distaste. He hadn't the opportunity to really look about the room in some time and now doing so he found that the room, which had suited her well enough during her teenage years, no longer seemed an accurate reflection of the woman she had become. When preparing for her initial visitation, Bernard had personally took care of the decoration of the room, thankfully a much simpler task for elves than for the average human thanks to the help of magic, and had ensured that white walls with clean, simple lines were put up in contrast with the usual, highly detailed, décor of the North Pole in the hopes of making the girl feel more at ease and to lessen any culture shock she may have experienced. The tufted peacock blue comforter was likewise chosen to be mentally soothing, yet age appropriate. The room had since collected various trinkets memorializing an age Rachel likely no longer felt a connection with. Therefore, by the time the bathroom door opened to reveal a disheveled and slightly damp Rachel donning simply cut satin pajamas Bernard had turned her quarters into the epitome of North Pole opulence.

"I always knew that you couldn't stand the fact that there existed a room in the North Pole that didn't throw Christmas directly in your face," Rachel responded while looking around in wonder, an act which reassured Bernard that, despite her words, Rachel was quite pleased with the change of scenery. Three of the walls were covered with an emerald green damask featuring a wide, lacy golden border with the fourth being a panel of windows overlooking the town. The floor was a simple but classic cherry hardwood. Two contrasting panels of red and gold damask flanked the bed and were offset with gold gilded braided molding. The bed itself was dressed in an Italianesque red velvet duvet with gold accents and adorned with numerous red and gold pillows with a singular green and gold rectangular pillow in the forefront. On either side of the bed, contained within the red damask panels, was electric candelabra made of green glass with an ornately carved golden base held up by a glass shelf. In the far corner of this wall hung a decorative set of crystal and brass lamps which provided a golden glow to the room. On the left side of the room was a hand carved dresser, dressing table, and a spacious desk and on the right was a living area containing a bookcase, red velvet couch, and various decorative Moser and Murano glassware. Finally, the fourth wall contained paneled glass flanked with a white damask paper with gold and silver designs; directly outside the glass, however, was an enclosed balcony. The balcony, Bernard's personal labor of love, was floored with alternating white and grey marble tiles. The walls, what little there were, were painted a soft grey while the remainder of the walls was made of large window panels which displayed the town, the outlaying landscape, and provided an excellent view of the aurora borealis, a phenomenon which, Bernard knew, never ceased to awe Rachel. Additionally, the balcony contained a crystal chandelier and matching sconces which were decorated with the likenesses of reindeer busts.

"You've really outdone yourself this time," Rachel responded with a nod after finishing her evaluation of his work, "where did all of this come from, if you don't mind me asking; I recall a conversation in which you adamantly insisted that nothing simply appeared here by made by thin air1".

"Rachel, the North Pole has a ceaseless supply of home décor for both the workshop and Santa's home. I simply put them to good use. Surely you don't think we would make every Santa conform to the same taste preferences and have noticed the not infrequent changes in the appearance of the workshop itself. We elves are much too detail-oriented for you to make that assumption," replied Bernard.

After taking another quick look about the room, Rachel walked briskly towards Bernard, took him by the hand, and escorted him towards the bed, where she pushed him into a seated position before taking a seat next to him. Bernard, pushing his concerns over Santa's newest plight to the back of his mind, playfully swung an arm around her shoulders and pulled them both down so that they were half laying on the bed. Rachel laughed and lightly smacked his shoulder before cuddling against him slightly, both of them grinning all the while.

"These aren't your normal fare," Bernard noted lightly as he ran his thumb and forefinger along the spaghetti strap of her satin pajama top.

"I felt that it was about time I started dressing like an adult; I'll be over it by tomorrow morning, I assure you.2"

Bernard remained quite as he continued to fidget with her spaghetti straps; occasionally, his fingers would catch small strands of her hair which he would absentmindedly intertwine with the silky material. He couldn't help but notice how strikingly red her hair looked against the dark fabric. It reminded him of Christmas and he smiled as he mused on how very much she fit in with his world.

"You look . . . thoughtful," Rachel stated, interrupting his contemplations, "is something wrong?"

"Yes," he answered truthfully as the smile dropped off his face, "it's about your father."

Rachel sat up suddenly, "what about my father? Curtis didn't really go running to him with some ridiculous rumor, did he?"

"No," Bernard started.

"Is something wrong with him?" Rachel interrupted.

"Not exactly," Bernard replied evasively as he sat up, "you'll probably find out tomorrow, but I can't really talk about it now. Look, I should get back to work. I'll see you later tonight". With that Bernard left, simultaneously congratulating himself on not blabbing everything to her before he even dealt with Santa and beating himself up over having said anything at all.

*Your place or mine? Part One

1 This reference is a shameless plug for my brilliant masterpiece ,"To Wrap a Present." Go, read it.

2 Rachel is clearly opting to overlook the fact that adults wouldn't generally be wearing pajamas in the midst of the afternoon.


End file.
